Bristol-BDSM FAQ.


1. How can people possibly like that extreme stuff? It all just seems so weird to me.

Best Practices indicates being tolerant of others and what it is that they do. Some people are likely to think your kink is weird too, and that's fine for them, but would you enjoy it specifically if they shamed you for what it is you enjoy? While you may not have concern for their opinions, it certainly never feels good to have others shame you for being who you are, or you them. If everyone enjoyed the same thing and there was no variety, what an ultra-boring world this would be!

The best part of this whole thing is, if you really don't like something, you don't have to Consent to it! You never have to enter an agreement to do those things you don't like, nor do you have to make it your business what other people do in space that you don't own.

Consider that while some kinks may seem extreme to you, or even just boring, they are not for you, and that's OK, there's no need to waste the energy judging and getting upset at others for liking what it is that they like. This concept is generally referred to as "YKINMK (your kink is not my kink) and that's OK". It allows that others are to be tolerated and enjoy the things they enjoy in their own spaces, and hopefully they are following best practices for whatever it is they are doing. Further, even if you don't approve of what other people are doing, it's not like they are going stop doing what makes them happy for others who would condemn them, that doesn't make any sense at all.

Consider that if you don't have something nice to say about someone's particular kink or fetish, that it's polite not to say anything at all about it, and it's a great idea to treat people with respect, even if you don't agree with them on what you find enjoyable or weird.

2. Is BDSM abuse? How could someone possibly like getting hit with things and not be insane?

The bottom line is, if BDSM is conducted with explicit, informed consent, then it is not abuse. If it is conducted without explicit, informed consent, then it may be abuse. Abuse has everything to do with consent, and nothing to do with whether or not hitting is involved. Further, the question itself is ableist and assumes that those with certain disadvantages can't participate in healthy BDSM practices.

Abuse specifically does not take the feelings of the other person into account, nor their personal betterment or growth, which are often themes strongly rooted in many BDSM relationships. Abuse specifically is intended to do harm to an individual, BDSM is intended for personal enjoyment of all parties involved.

It's also important to remember that many folks already practice BDSM to some degree. Have you ever called your lover a naughty name? Maybe a light spanking spice up the bedroom? What about maybe that pair of fuzzy handcuffs and that feather you take out on special occasions? All of those things, on several levels, constitute BDSM practice, specifically humiliation/objectification, impact, and bondage plus sensation play, respectively.

Beyond that fact that many people, possibly yourself included, practice BDSM without even realising it on a regular basis, there are some studies that correlate BDSM practices with better mental health than people that don't engage in BDSM. BDSM is also no longer listed as an insanity within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition and is instead listed under paraphilia disorders which exist only if the person has intense guilt and shame about their BDSM experiences, which has a lot more to do with societal shaming than the practice itself being implicitly wrong.

Specific reasons for engaging in BDSM are as unique as the individuals that partake in the activities, however many indicate enhancements to their relationship dynamics and enjoyment of the sensations and experiences that can be very intensely pleasurable and euphoric or even spiritual.

3. I am in a relationship. Will I be cheating if I come and see you for submissive training?

Quite simply, no. The reason being that if you are in a relationship, the relationship with your partner will be on a (hopefully) deep emotional level. When you come to me it is purely and simply for the training experience in the same way as you would in attending any type of educational training class, or course at a professional level. Nothing more. 

Conversely, if you are single the same applies. If you are somehow expecting some kind of physical attraction to make your submissive training experience work for you then you will be disappointed, as this is not how it works. The sole focus of your attraction should be to the experience itself and the outcome you will achieve from within your training session. If you were taking driving lessons, for instance I would hope the sole focus of your attention would be on the road and other traffic and not on your driving instructor. A submissive training session with me requires the same amount of focus and attention to detail in order for it to be fun, enjoyable and for you to learn from it. 

4. Are there any fees to pay?

Only if you ask for dungeon training, and this facility has to be hired. Otherwise all basic instruction is quite rightly free of charge. I say "quite rightly" because I have a real issue in charging a fee for practices which have evolved for over 2000 years to where we are nowadays. Not everything in life should be about money, and I believe that if I'm gifted enough to be able to facilitate a submissive's journey then it is a gift I should happily and freely pass on until such time as it involves me in an expense which is a third party's and not my own.  You will often see that I regard the submissive journey as being quite spiritual in context and my own state of mind during training as being zen like, and therefore something of a meditative process as I guide the submissive through her journey, and accepting money for the services I offer would detract from this and make it more about personal financial gain. Which I'm simply not into at all. However, if a submissives wishes to voluntarily donate towards the running and maintenance of this site, for instance, then I will gratefully accept. But this is by no means compulsory at all.

5. Can I use drugs/alcohol during play to help loosen me up? What if it's just a little?

Best practices indicates you absolutely should not use mind and body altering substances during a Scene. Which isn't to say that some people don't and haven't in the past, and that in many cases things can turn out just fine, however, it is important to know that when you engage in BDSM scenes you are going to be altering your body chemistry already by loading it up with adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin and many other very powerful chemicals for both the bottom and the top even without adding drugs and alcohol to the scene.

Safety can be well mitigated by an alert, sober person of sound mind, but by including additional mind and body altering agents into a scene can one can cause loss of focus and impaired judgement thereby greatly increasing the chances of a serious accident or regrettable action.

This isn't to say a disaster is going to happen for certain when including intoxicants in a scene but that the chances of something negative happening can increase dramatically if participants are intoxicated. While in daily life having a drink and doing a mundane activity might not be so bad, it's important to remember that what you are doing is inherently and patently dangerous on some levels. Much like using heavy machinery while intoxicated, it's just not a good idea to use substances and practice BDSM because someone can get seriously hurt.

This extends to more than just illegal drugs and alcohol, it also applies to many other substances such as a lack of food or water, blood thinners, mood stabilizers, use of new hormone therapies (until they level off after a few months) and any other substance that will drastically alter the composition of the body and the soundness of mind. It's important to remember these sorts of things will affect the judgement of the submissive and the Dom and in either case can lead to a very serious problem. Also remember, it's not just about the physical safety of the event, it's also about the emotional safety, so just because you're not doing a heavy impact or fire scene, doesn't mean that it is a good idea to practice BDSM while intoxicated.

More importantly, if you choose to use intoxicants, be sure to mention that as part of the negotiations with your Dom as they cannot give informed consent unless they know the level of risk involved, doing otherwise is unethical.

As far as I am concerned I would prefer absolutely NO alcohol or other substances PRIOR to a session with me. If you arrive and I suspect you to be in no fit state to undergo training with me and for whatever reason this gives me the impression that you seem unable to make an informed and consensual decision, then I reserve the right to refuse you training at that time.

On every occasion prior to a training session you will be required to give your consent in writing before training actually commences.

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