Understanding BDSM
Understanding BDSM, D/s (Dominant/submissive), M/s (Master or Mistress/submissive) or ‘the lifestyle’ can be so very confusing for a newbie who's interest is peaked enough to now want to explore. You need to satisfy that thirst for knowledge and to prove to yourself that the urges you are feeling and have likely felt for the majority of your adult life (subconsciously or not) are natural and not some by-product of insanity. 

So, where to start? Oh my god, there is just so much to discuss that there is no way we would get it all covered here, but I will try to help and here is a good of a place to start as any. Please note that this is advice and guidance only,  and BDSM is all a matter of personal taste, so I won’t get all your questions answered, but I can have a damn good go.

BDSM is an acronym that stands for;
Bondage & Discipline
Dominance & Submission
Sadism and Masochism 

BDSM comes in many, many forms, and there are as many different disciplines, thoughts and practices as there are those that have these desires. BDSM can be as simple or as imaginative as a consenting individual or couple wants to make it, from an erotic spanking or being tied to the bedposts,  or accepting verbal commands, through to a complex and intense full-on scene.

Any scene or long term D/s, M/s relationship should always abide by the code of SSC – SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL;

Safe – means that even when we play hard, we play safe and never cause any true harm to our partner(s) either physically, emotionally or psychologically. There is a huge difference between the giving and receiving of pain in any degree (mild or severe) for sexual gratification and actually causing real harm that is beyond the realms of limits and pre-negotiation. BDSM play should always be as safe as possible although nothing is ever really 100% safe or risk free. Communication, safe words and preparation are vital, as is ensuring the aftercare for both submissive and Dominant.  

Sane – means we don’t play when intoxicated (pissed or stoned), angry, or in a mind set where we cannot determine boundaries and evaluate the risk. Limits are discussed and although they may be pushed, hard limits are never overstepped (this doesn’t mean that limits can’t change within the evolution of a relationship). In short, we look out for each other. It is a Dom responsibility to ensure the mental and physical welfare of their submissive at all times during a scene (and out of it) and a submissives’ responsibility to constantly and honestly communicate with their Dom (as much as us subs may think so sometimes, and the Dom (which is me) is not a mind reader).  You have to differentiate between what is possible and what really should stay within the realms of fantasy.

Consensual – this is what makes those who practice SSC, different from abusers. It means that both submissive and Dom have communicated prior to a scene and have given our consent to each other (either directly before, or within the known boundaries of a longer term relationship). Yes, BDSM is consensual and should never ever be forced – otherwise it is just called abuse and there is no place for abuse within this lifestyle. Every participant has the right to stop a scene at any time by using safe words (which should have been previously established) or other pre-designated methods. If consent is withdrawn, it should be honoured immediately.

The point is, no matter how far off this planet this lifestyle may seem to the vanilla world, exploring D/s and BDSM can and should be done safely, honourably and sensibly. Trust, communication and respect are common words that are often thrown about in many of today’s societies but in the BDSM community they are words to live by, like a religion, they are gospel.

Next: Is it for you?

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